Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
