if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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