went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
