I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
