Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
