I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
