oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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