why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
