Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
