I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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