What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
