My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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