Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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