I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
