3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
