What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
