There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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