I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
