wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
