I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
