hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
