I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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