Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
