Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
