Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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