There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
