I molested 6 butterflies tonight
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
