Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
