i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
