If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Every concussion has its silver lining
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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