I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I think I just sharted jello shots
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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