with your own penis?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
