Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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