i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
