She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
