I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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