Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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