i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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