Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
