Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
