i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
