i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
