My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
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