guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
MIDGETS
????
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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