Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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