So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
