I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
