either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
