My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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