that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
